They stand in a semi-circle, looking cool, calm and collected (with the possible exception of Howard Dean, who appears somewhat stiff with a “what in the world was I thinking?” look on his face), squabbling like kids on the playground at recess. “I get to go first!” “No, it’s my turn.” “You went yesterday.” “No I didn’t. He did.” And the pointing finger is aimed at the smirking kid in the corner who has been first for almost three years now.

I cannot watch this show again. They are too careful in their speech and, when they falter, the carnivorous press corps are salivating in the wings, ready to pounce on any one who missteps. Unless Mr. Sharpton snaps first, of course. Listen to this one: In Mr. Dean’s 98-or-99-percent white state of Vermont, Mr. Sharpton demands to know how many African-Americans were on Mr. Dean’s staff when he was governor. “How many, sir; how many?” he pressed in a loud and somehow personally insulted voice. None of course; there are only two or three thousand blacks in the whole state, so the absence of one in the governor’s cabinet doesn’t surprise anyone who can count. It mightily surprises Mr. Sharpton. And this is why he’s running. With no chance of winning anything but national media exposure, Mr. Sharpton, the well-known former liar and con artist, becomes a legitimate star. Is this a great country or what?

Carol Moseley Braun is a good representative of the female gender. But only representative. Her programs are sensible, well-established traditional goals of the Democratic Party, but because the debate moderators appear to have little interest in her resolutions of perceived problems, they seldom question her. Few if any of the gallant gentlemen candidates would toss barbs her way because, I suppose, there is little to argue about in her statements and she hasn’t made too many mistakes in her political life. Unless one counts losing re-election to the Senate a mistake. And a lot of people do.

I’m not really keen on Mr. Gephardt. Not for president, anyway. He is just so, so Midwestern. I mean, I’d love to have him for a neighbor because I need help with my azaleas, and I’d like to talk with someone about the voles that are eating my tulip bulbs, but president? I don’t think so. He may be the smartest one, but it just doesn’t show, and I want my President to show his smarts. It makes me look better. (You disagree? How often do you grit your teeth and duck with embarrassment each time our current leader opens his mouth?)

It may be his sad, droopy hound dog look that tugs at my heart, but I like Mr. Kerry. He may be feeling poorly because he’s running out of money and had to mortgage his Boston house, which might make him seem more of an ordinary guy, but he is married to one of the world’s really rich women and can’t use her money because of a pre-nuptial agreement of some kind. Well, I often remind David of his good fortune in marrying me and this is another reason why. Of course, we didn’t feel the same pressure to have a prenuptial agreement as our combined assets at that time were a $12.50 check from his Aunt Kathleen.

Mr. Lieberman shot his wad in the last election. Does this need further amplification?

The press has a field day with Mr. Kucinich. He’s a vegetarian (what about the ranchers and the meat industry?), married and divorced twice, and looking for a girlfriend, a possible third go-round. His marriage track record probably indicates that he is totally devoted to his job and that might be good for the country, but who will re-decorate the White House if he’s elected? Because we are a culture of couples, we are uncomfortable with not electing a couple for president. We got more than we bargained for with Nancy Reagan and Hillary Clinton, but thank God for Eleanor Roosevelt. And, if Howard Dean is elected, how will his wife continue in her profession as a medical doctor? Can’t we have a president without expecting the spouse to also be on duty? Probably not, and that is too bad for the women in this country. I can imagine that if the spouse was male there would be no problem as long as there was not a conflict of interest. We have a good example in England’s former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher’s husband. He was not involved in government in any way but carried on his private life quite apart from Mrs. Thatcher’s government duties. Of course, the British are more civilized than we are.

John Edward’s looks and age work both for him and against him. Some critics say the electorate is fantasizing, hoping for Camelot II. One morning I happened to tune into a group of women journalists discussing the various candidates, expecting to hear an erudite, articulate, and politically savvy conversation when one said to another, “John Edwards just looks so young! Can you believe he’s only 50?” Oooohs and Aaaahs all around. I changed channels to Sesame Street. At least they don’t gush.

Wesley Clark exudes charm and know-how, humor and leadership ability. Of course, if the Republicans hadn’t fired him for getting too big for his britches as commander of NATO, he would be running on a Republican ticket somewhere. He did, after all, offer his services when Bush decided to “liberate” Iraq. The offer was declined. How insulting was this? Clark then declared himself to be a Democrat. This kind of petty politics pales when one discovers that Clark was at one time commandant of the School of the Americas, a military training camp in Georgia. This is where soldiers from South and Central America are trained in guerrilla warfare, including torture and abuse of the civilian population. This has been the site of annual demonstrations of thousands of peace advocates for over a decade, and is a great embarrassment to our government.

Actually, it wasn’t an embarrassment until a copy of the handbook used in the training was leaked to the public. The military has since changed the name of the school and rewritten the handbook but, as yet, no copy is available for public perusal. This is the school that graduated Noriega; also, the Salvadoran soldiers who ambushed, raped and killed four nuns who worked with the poor. Other raids on religious groups include the six Jesuit priests at the University of El Salvador who were massacred along with their housekeeper and her daughter. When Clark was questioned about this he acknowledged that he was head of this school for a time but that the aim of the school was to teach human rights, “... just human rights,” he said. “One mustn’t throw away the whole barrel of apples just because there are a few bad ones inside.” Indeed. What must one do, I wonder.

Having spent most of my adult life living and working overseas, I’m not sure but maybe if I had lived here instead I would have been involved in politics in some way. I might even have run for some office. Politics fascinates and repels me at the same time. In the current environment however, where the GNP of an entire Third World country is required to even be a candidate, one would have to be a fool to consider such an adventure. And there are, apparently, a bunch of fools out there.

So, no more debates among the chosen fools will I watch. I will follow the advice of the Psalmist who tells me to “ ... commune with your own heart, and in your chamber, and be still.”

(Betty Swain lives at Lake Junaluska)