Hiking

Though we are infrequent hikers in my family, we have found that some of our best hikes took place in January. The air seems clearer than in the summer, the views more spectacular, the pathways and trails far less crowded. There are no bugs in January — though if these warm temperatures keep up, that may change — and less chance of being infected by our unofficial state plant, poison ivy. Even on a cold January day, we’ve enjoyed getting out and hitting the trails.

Valentine’s Day

Ahhh-oooo-gah! Ahhh-oooo-gah! That’s the alarm, gentlemen, the sound of danger, danger, danger. Pay attention: this is your Valentine’s Day alert. Don’t ask me why, but for whatever reason many women enjoy the thought of men shopping early for Valentine’s Day gifts. So if you want to avoid those pitying female sneers directed at males standing in the Ingles line on Feb. 13, their arms filled with roses, oversized cards, and cheap wine, you’ll do your shopping now. I repeat: shop now. Once you’ve picked out the gift, write a note to your partner with the date prominently displayed at the top of the page, then slip it into the wrapped box and put the package someplace where you won’t forget it.

Fat Books

Beach week in the summer is a time for fat paperbacks whose intellectual content won’t get in the way of a good tan. Winter, however, lends itself to more serious reading. Pick out one of those classics you’ve always wanted to read: The Count of Monte Cristo, Emma, Bleak House, Crime and Punishment. Display it prominently on the kitchen table. At best, you may actually begin reading the book and find yourself enjoying it; at worst, you may greet perplexed visitors by virtuously observing, “Yes, yes, I pass many a winter evening with this fine old book close at hand.”

New Year’s Resolutions

You’ve already broken that resolution, haven’t you? You have already cast off, in one horrible momentary breakdown of willpower, those noble aspirations devised with such promise for 2005. You’ve gone off the diet, you’ve kicked over the exercise bike, you’ve blown up at your mother-in-law. In short, you blew it. Well, gentle reader, put your mind at ease. Regard this part of this column as your SMOKY MOUNTAIN NEWS FREE PASS FOR BROKEN RESOLUTIONS (My editor hasn’t OK’d this use of the paper yet, but he has a generous, forgiving heart and will surely approve of a plan to ease the sorrows of others). Simply cut this column from the paper, wave it in the faces of your family and loved ones, announce that you have a free pass to begin your resolutions anew, and watch their condescending smirks disappear. Passes may be used only once, so you may want to seek out multiple papers containing this column. Void after March 1.

— Jeff Minick