“C’mon, man. Sue’s my woman. What do you mean, I raped her?” Gary’s eyes were furious, his voice indignant. “Don’t you think you’re carrying this ‘family honor’ gig a little too far?” He looked at his roommate, disbelief all over his face.

“Well, she said you forced her,” Martin said. He hesitated, then sagged against the doorway of the dorm room. Gary was his sister’s boyfriend of 10 months. They were going to get married this summer. “Heck, man, I don’t know. Just don’t let it happen again, OK?”

Gary felt relief wash over him when Martin unclenched his hands. “It’s not like she’s a virgin or anything. Besides, you know how much I love her.”

Martin’s expression reflected his uncertainty. Gary had a point. Maybe Sue had exaggerated a little. He shoved his hands into his pockets and sauntered down the hall, feeling uneasy but not knowing exactly why.

Unfortunately, this isn’t an uncommon scenario. According to recent studies, about one woman in six endures a sexual assault at some time in her life, and one man in 10 shares that fate. More to the point, over half of those assaults are by a person the victim knows. In fact, most occur in the victim’s or the perpetrator’s residence, or at the home of a friend or relative, and 20 percent of all reported rapes are by an intimate partner. The old bugaboo about some stranger lurking in the bushes isn’t accurate, and our young people, ages 15-30, are at higher risk than any segment of the population.

According to the Bureau of Justice, approximately 261,000 cases of sexual violence against adults were reported in the year 2000. Of those, 92,000 were completed rapes. Another 55,000 were attempted rapes. The 114,000 others ranged from unwanted fondling to forced oral sex, sexual threats, or brutalized penetration with objects other than a penis.

Graphic? Yes, and disgusting, too. There’s nothing pretty, romantic, or sexy about sexual crimes. They’re sordid, violent acts, and people carry the scars in their minds and hearts for a lifetime.

These statistics are, of course, from reported cases, and the numbers don’t include crimes against children. Law enforcement and victim advocates tell us that only one rape in three is reported. The others suffer alone or privately tell someone. Most say that they’re afraid of what the rapist will do to them if they tell, and they’re unwilling to “wash their dirty laundry in public.”

These fears are realistic. In about two-thirds of domestic violence cases, “familiar rape” is part of the abuser’s arsenal of manipulation and terror. That puts the victim in a terrible position. Many times, the crime isn’t reported, out of fear, family loyalty, and our desire to keep private things private.

Rape by an intimate partner is probably the worst scenario, but it certainly isn’t the only form of familiar rape. Consider the impact of these other possibilities:

° The rapist is your neighbor. He and his family know where you live.

° The rapist is your teacher, your professor, or your boss. There go your job, your grades, and your reputation.

° The rapist is your counselor, psychiatrist, or your minister. Not only has your body been violated, but your mind, your soul, and your spirit.

The victim of familiar rape has a sickening fear that the abuser will do it again — or something worse — if she report. In fact, she knows the abuser can hurt her. Her self-confidence is shattered, and her silence is ensured, at a horrific price.

So, what can we do to help?

First of all, we can listen, and believe her. According to surveys, the victim’s greatest fear is that nobody will believe her. Many people won’t report to law enforcement, but they will, eventually, tell someone they trust. If we listen, calmly and without drilling her with questions, we help her take the first step of just getting it out in the open.

Second, reassure her that if she (or he) survived the attack, she “did it right.” Many survivors feel guilty that they didn’t succeed in fighting the rapist off and stopping the attack. Help her understand that she was in a life-threatening situation, and that she did the best she could just to get through it alive. A victim fears that others will blame her for the incident. If she was too scared to put up any kind of a fight, she herself may believe that she’s at fault.

Encourage her to go for help. Someone who gets away with this kind of crime usually tries again, especially in the case of familiar rape. Although she may be reluctant to report to the police, she needs medical attention, and probably needs counseling. (She shouldn’t shower, change clothes, or try to clean up in any way prior to the examination because it destroys evidence.) Please note: domestic and sexual violence agencies will serve victims whether or not they ever report the incident to the law.

Don’t try to straighten things out yourself. Acting hostile towards the abuser brings all kinds of problems. You could get hurt, face criminal charges, or actually make matters worse for the victim if she has to live with the rapist. Encourage her to make a formal police report, and let them handle things. She has enough to worry about without fearing for your safety, too.

Don’t suggest that she should “be over it by now.” You may hear her story a thousand times before she can move on with her life. If you’re tired of hearing about it, just remember how tired she is of having to live with it.

Don’t tell her what she should have done. She survived it. That’s what she should have done.

(Andrea Chester works at Swain/Qualla SAFE. She can be reached at 828.488.9038 or at amchester@peoplepc.com.)