For the last few weeks, we’ve been talking about crimes of sexual violence. Most of this article is devoted to safety tips and insights gleaned from professionals who work with sexually violent criminals.

There is some bad news, though. No matter how careful you are, you can’t be 100 percent safe because the victim of rape or sexual assault isn’t the one who causes the crime. The rapist is.

To illustrate the point, Sandi Rice of Our Voice tells us that one of the most common problems a rape survivor faces is society’s tendency to “blame the victim.” Guess what group is hardest on the victim ... other women!

Most of us believe that women are more sensitive to human suffering and therefore, more considerate of their unfortunate sisters. Actually, part of the reason women aren’t more compassionate is that we’re afraid it could happen to us. If we can find where the victim made a mistake, and avoid that error ourselves, we feel safer. (For example, if we can convince ourselves that a woman was raped because she was wearing a short, tight skirt, then we just won’t wear short, tight skirts.)

Rice’s point is that we’re all vulnerable to attack because the victim doesn’t cause the crime. The criminal does. However, even though there’s no guarantee you won’t ever be among the statistics, there are ways to better protect yourself from predators. People don’t plan on being hurt, but many people also fail to plan for safety. At self-defense workshops, the trainers suggest that we pay special attention to the following points:



Precautions for parking areas

• Look around as you approach the car. Stop and go back to the store or find security if you see anything that arouses your suspicion. Do not go check things out yourself. Ask for an escort to your car if you don’t feel safe. In other words, trust your instincts.

• Notice vehicles parked near yours. Vans with doors hanging open and a driver in place can be used as ambush points. Experts urge us to avoid parking between two vans, a common trap in large, busy parking lots.

• Have your keys in your hand, so you don’t have to fish them out of your pocket or purse. If someone comes towards you as if he’s going to attack, try to get into your car and lock it before he reaches you. If you are still too far away from your car, throw the keys out of his reach and run back towards more people. Scream to attract attention.

• Be aware that a person can hide under a car, in the back seat, or on the floorboards. Check before you get in.

• Park in a well lighted area, especially if you are going to have to wait for someone.

• Always keep your distance from strangers on the street or in dark areas.

• You can access 911 on a cell phone even if the calling plan isn’t activated.

• If at all possible, don’t work the late shift alone. Try to park close to a co-worker who gets off the same time you do and leave together.

• Once in your car, lock the doors and drive away. This is not the time to fill out your checkbook or write a “to-do” list.

Don’t be an easy mark

A group of men convicted of rape told an interviewer how they chose their victims. They looked for people who appeared vulnerable. In all of these cases, rape was a thought-out, deliberate crime. It wasn’t the result of “sexual desire.”

What does a sexual predator look for?

1. Long hair, ponytails, braids, or any other hairstyle they can grab easily.

2. Clothing that’s easy to remove. (One-piece outfits, like overalls, are no problem. They just cut the straps.)

3. Women who are talking on cell phones or searching through their purses top the list, because they are off-guard, easily surprised and over-powered. Criminals want to grab a victim quickly and unobtrusively, and get her or him to a spot where there’s little chance of being caught.

In another interview, criminals said that they prefer trouble-free targets. They look for:

• People who are preoccupied, unaware of what is going on around them.

• People who look tired, timid, or depressed.

• People who are in the wrong place, at the wrong time. (We all know those places where we wouldn’t want to be caught alone.)

Since most criminals want a victim who won’t put up much of a fight, we want our appearance to convince the bad guys that we’re alert and that we won’t be taken quietly. We can use umbrellas, canes, and similar objects as weapons, and many would-be attackers think twice about nabbing someone who can hurt them. (I heard one self-defense expert say to use keys or nail files as weapons against attackers. They aren’t much of a deterrent, though, because the criminal has to get very close to you before you can use them.)

Women and children are pretty accommodating when people look as if they need help. The expert I consulted said, “Stop that! Stop trusting everyone, and start being wisely cautious.” For example:

• Go call help if someone needs assistance with their car, rather than trying to take care of the problem yourself.

• Remember that criminals often work in teams, and one “lures” you in close enough for the other one to take you down.

• Don’t approach a stranger’s car. Stay well back to give directions, etc.

• Many self defense experts and law enforcement officers advocate walking with a buddy or with a big dog. Remember the old saying, “there’s safety in numbers?”

• If someone comes at you, hold out your hands and yell “Stop!” Or “Stay Back!” If you carry pepper spray, hold the can out, and yell, “I have pepper spray!” (One word of warning. Many self-defense instructors and police departments teach citizens how to use pepper spray effectively. Be sure you’re pointing it away from your own face, and don’t face into the wind. Otherwise, it will debilitate you instead of the criminal.)

Points to remember:

• Carry something that can keep criminals at a distance and be used as a weapon

• Walk with an attitude of calm confidence.

• Yelling “Fire” draws more attention than screaming “Help!”

• Be alert and aware of what’s going on around you.

• Be wise about the help you offer. Don’t put yourself in needless jeopardy.

So far, we have tips to protect ourselves from attacks by strangers. In most violent crimes, though, the greatest risk is from people with whom we already have some kind of relationship. We certainly can’t go through life being afraid of all our friends ... what do we watch for? The following pointers apply, whether we’re 15 years old or 55. We can adapt them to fit individual situations.

• Watch out for a “controlling attitude,” the date who makes all the decisions where you go and tries to dictate what you wear, who you talk to, what you do even when you are apart.

• Be careful of “entitlement.” This attitude is at work when your date springs for an expensive meal and entertainment, and then demands sex because you “owe it.” (No, you don’t. His reward is the pleasure of your company. Period.)

• Look out when a date wants to get you away from civilization. It may seem romantic, but that spectacular overlook from the Parkway is not the place to discover that your date wants more than you are willing to give. Besides, there’s not a great view at night!

• Don’t drink or use drugs. They lower your inhibitions and make both of you less likely to act wisely. Even a slight buzz makes it more difficult to think your way out of a sticky situation.

• It is a good idea to carry some money of your own, in case you need to make a call or take a taxi. As the Boy Scout motto goes, Be Prepared!

• On first dates, blind dates, or times when you are feeling unsure of the situation, suggest a group date with friends you trust. If it’s just the two of you, public places, with lots of people around, are safer than secluded spots.

• At a party, don’t leave your drink unattended. Many “date rape” drugs have little or no taste. These chemicals make it impossible for you to fight off the attack, although your mind may be conscious enough to know exactly what’s going on.

• Don’t go to parties alone. Arrive in a group, stick together, and leave together.

• Set clear sexual limits, and communicate them to your date. Leave no room for doubt or “but I thought you were just playing hard to get.”

• Don’t be naïve. For example, if a guy invites a girl into his room, it’s not to see his computer games.

• Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t “feel right,” it probably isn’t.

• Don’t wait until all your alarms are screaming. If you are uneasy about something, get out of the situation at the first safe opportunity.

These are precautions everyone can modify to fit their own needs. As you can see, they are good, common sense, but they aren’t magic. If the unthinkable happens, get help as soon as possible. Call 911, call the police, or call SAFE, REACH, or OUR VOICE.

Embarrassment, confusion, and fear stop some people from reaching out for the help they need to put their lives back together. If you survived the attack, you did it right. You are under no obligation to report, but doing so may stop the rapist from harming someone else. At the very least, get medical attention and counseling from one of the centers listed below. You are eligible for services whether or not you ever report the incident to law enforcement.