As far as I can tell, North Carolina Senate Bill 918 is still in the judiciary committee. The short title of this bill is Sportsman’s Bill of Rights. It appears that hunters are afraid their rights to “whack em and stack em,” as aging rock idol Ted Nugent describes his bow hunting philosophy, are being usurped.

If this is so, who could be behind such a dastardly plot? Sportsmen immediately point to those animal rights whackos. But if you stop and think for a moment and apply the principles of Occam’s Razor, you might come up with a different scenario, one that ultimately makes more sense.

As sportsmen tromp off to the woods with high-powered rifles and scopes; compound bows; compass and GPS; camouflage; scent hider; bait; dogs with radio collars; walkie talkies; etc. – who stands to lose the most?

It’s not those classical-music-listening, Birkenstock-wearing, hybrid-vehicle-driving, animal-rights whackos. In fact, there could be an argument made for some kind of strange symbiotic relationship between sportsmen’s groups and animal rights groups. They seem to feed off one another.

No, if you take Occam’s Razor and cut through all the subterfuge, you’ll see who stands to lose the most – it’s the animals, stupid.

If there is a conspiracy as sportsmen seem to think, I bet animals are behind it. I’m surprised sportsmen haven’t caught on to this; after all, they are the first to tell you how cunning and wily their prey is. Just visit any campfire during hunting season and you will hear countless stories about the one that got away — how these uncanny seemingly omniscient beasts eluded capture and/or being killed.

We know how intelligent and how loyal animals are, and we know they can communicate with each other. Dolphins often take time from their frolicking to placate humans by doing what their “trainers” ask. I even saw a dog once on a TV commercial open the fridge, get a beer out and take it up a ladder to where someone was working on the roof. That’s the difference between animals and me — I would have just sat down on the couch and drank the beer. If the roofer wanted one, he could climb down, his legs weren’t broken. But it takes this kind of intelligence and loyalty to keep a conspiracy hidden.

It would take some highly intelligent critters to pull this off. I’m thinking the ringleader would be Yogi Bear. We know he’s “smarter than the average bear” and has a rap sheet a mile long there in Jellystone, and he’s just the kind of disarming clown that would throw the CIA and FBI off.

And I bet an animal conspiracy would have plants in the human world. We know they are masters of disguise. Why there are caterpillars that look like bird poop, and I’ve seen chameleons change color before my very eyes. Yeah, they can be quite devious.

I believe Ingrid Newkirk, the head of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is a mole. Not a real mole — she’s too tall for that — but a mole, like a hidden agent.

Have you noticed how you never see Newkirk and Wiley Coyote at the same time? It’s kinda like Superman and Clark Kent – think about it.

This is a vast and well-connected conspiracy. Rumor has it that a companion bill will be introduced. It will be called the Wildlife Watcher’s Bill of Rights. One thing this bill would do is make it illegal for sportsmen or anyone for that matter to be in the woods with guns and hunter’s orange during peak neotropical migration seasons.

Animal agents like Shamu the killer whale will be dressed like little old ladies in tennis shoes with binoculars to make sure the Wildlife Watcher’s Bill of Rights is enforced.

(Don Hendershot can be reached at ddihen@earthlink.net)