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7/24/02

The Naturalist's Corner

By Don Hendershot
The Smoky Mountain News was granted an exclusive interview with Bad Bert. Bad Bert was originally simply Bert. Bert was a normal, well-adjusted yearling black bear living in the Cades Cove area of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.

Bert was out not too long ago looking for breakfast. Fortune had smiled on Bert and he had discovered a newly born white-tailed deer fawn. The 45-pound yearling was intent on dispatching his breakfast when he was suddenly set upon by much-larger homo sapiens.

Bert was kicked and cuffed around and even lifted up and thrown to the ground by his sneak-attacker. Bert’s attacker, Michael Shaw of Grand Ridge, Fla., was charged with disturbing wildlife and disorderly conduct. The fawn suffered from mortal wounds and had to be euthanized by park service personnel. Bert, bewildered and hungry, returned to the woods surrounding Cades Cove.

Thinking things had returned to normal, Bert recently returned to the meadows of the cove, visions of venison breakfast still dancing in his head. Bert must have thought the gods were smiling on him when he once again discovered a newborn fawn.

Deja’vue! Bert was once again besieged by a crowd of angry humans. This time, Jennifer Murrow, the University of Tennessee doctoral student who is leading the experimental elk release research in the park, appeared to rescue Bert from his attackers. Murrow tried to use the incident as a chance to teach the humans about the dynamics of nature — the way things actually work in a wild ecosystem. That group of people probably got the message. Jennifer is quite knowledgeable and not shy about enlightening humans about the natural order of things.

Bert, however, had different feelings.


Bert: I’m tired of this bulls—t. I was just trying to have breakfast. You humans are weird! You whiz up to McDonalds or some other drive-thru, get your steak or ham or chicken biscuit and don’t realize someone had to take’em out. Someone had to process them and prepare them. Out here, I have to do all that. Either that or scrounge around for your garbage. Then if I eat your garbage or check out your backpack while you’re snoring, the rangers come after me with guns because I’m dangerous.”


SMN: How are you coping with the situation?

Bert: Well I have a cousin, Ivan — Ivan the Terrible. Ivan is following in the paw steps of our great uncle Victor the Wrasslin’ Bear. You know, Victor was 537 - 0 against humans? And he didn’t have any teeth or claws. Ivan hasn’t been beat either. So I’m training with Ivan.


SMN: What’s your training routine?

Bert: Well the first thing Ivan said was I had to overcome my natural tendency to avoid humans. He said humans take that as a sign of fear. He said they don’t realize it’s just because they smell bad and are noisy and loud. Why, if you’re in the woods you can hear and smell people from half a mile.


SMN: What are you doing to overcome this tendency?

Bert: Well, I started out at Playland at McDonalds. The humans there are more my size.


SMN: Any success?

Bert: Oh, yeah! Scared the socks off ’em. Those Big Macs and fries aren’t all bad either. But those little plastic dinosaurs taste like crap. But I realized kids aren’t my problem. In a couple of years I’ll be up to my prime fighting weight between 150 and 200 pounds. I’ll be ready for adults then. Ivan says surprise is the key. Like what happened to me in the cove. If I hadn’t been so intent on breakfast I would have seen those people coming and I could have either left or put up some kind of defense. So I’ve been going around Gatlinburg in the early morning to Shoney’s or Jon Boy’s. I especially love making the rednecks at Jon Boy’s wet their pants. It’s not hard, you know. You catch’em intent on that ham biscuit, rap’em up the backside of the head and their nose splatters the grits on their plate. When they turn around, give’em a little snarl and they think the baddest grizzly this side of Alaska has joined’em for breakfast.


SMN: What do you hope to accomplish?

Bert: That’s a toughie. I think it’s personal. I don’t want Michael Shaw to sleep well at night the next time he’s in the park. But in reality, that woman, Murrow, she hit the nail on the head. You guys move into our neighborhoods, put your garbage and your dog food and your birdseed out, and then act like the Huns are invading when we stop by for a snack. If you want to live with us, accept us for what we are. I can’t ask Ted Nugent to whack ’n stack my venison for me. I have to do it myself.


SMN: Live and let live?

Bert: Yeah, live and let live.


(Don Hendershot can be reached at don@smokymountainnews.com)