<< Back 9/25/02 The planet Earth report SMN The author guarantees that all stories are accurate - “To the best of my imagination” ° Iraq — Iraq has agreed to allow the unconditional return of U.N. weapons inspectors with these stipulations: 1) they remain blindfolded; 2) they arrive before a Friday and remain at least through one weekend; 3) they are not allowed to hang out on street corners ogling and/or emitting wolf-whistles and 4) instead of being given carte blanche access, inspectors would be permitted to order ala carte from Iraqi menus. ° Al-Qaida — Federal agents have documented numerous calls from hard to track prepaid phone cards and public pay phones in the U.S., particularly the East Hampton area, to known al-Qaida locations overseas. Special agent Johnny Onthspot said to date, agents had only been able to retrieve parts of the conservations. According to Onthspot, there were a number of calls to Fahad’s Deli and Market in Islamabad from one Isa bin Talken. The calls are suspicious because they always begin with the same query, “Do you have Muhammad in a can?” Onthspot said the reply is excited and indecipherable but agents were working tirelessly to break the code. ° Chicago — A look at results of the Pew Internet & American Life Project *85 percent of college students surveyed own their own computer. For 99 percent of these students, the computers were going away presents from their parents. The other one percent used their parents credit cards to purchase their own computers. *73 percent said they use the Internet more than the library. “Why go to the library, all the Penthouses are always out,” said one student. *60 percent said they had downloaded music from the Internet, but couldn’t remember the specific web site. *100 percent of students who have email have inexplicably forgotten their parent’s email address. ° Asheville — City officials are billing organizers of 9/14’s Great Smokies Craft Brewers Brewgrass Festival in Pack Square after city workers had to clean up leftover trash. According to reports there were folding chairs in the fountain pool, mounds of garbage on the sidewalks, small bits of plastic, paper and glass were in the street, along with a chicken bone. I found one of the festival organizers diligently cleaning the remains from one of the leftover kegs. “Look man, I don’t know nuthin,” the rather unkempt man said, handing me a cup of beer. “Are you sure you’re the Grand Pooh-Pah of the Brewgrass Fest?” I asked taking the cup. “Shuurre as hick-heck amm,” he said. “Can you tell me what happened?” I asked as he refilled my cup. “Look, the shhicken was alive last time I saw it. It was clu-clucking along happy as a lark - huh, thass funny, a shhicken happy as a lark. Then it started pourin the rain and that lil bird started freakin, runnin around screaming about ‘the sky is falling, the sky is falling’ kinda reminds me of those preachers I hear over to Pritchard Park,” the Pooh-Pah said. “So you’re sure the shi, I mean chicken, had all its bones last time you saw it?” “Sure as you kin be bout that sorta thing.” “Well, I guess that closes this foul capon caper. Accshhdental death by drwounding. See you nex year at the Great Shmokie Raft Crewers Grewbrass Fesshtival.” Planet Earth Report Staff: Journalist - Iam N. Cognito Fact checker - Al Lookitup PR & complaint manager - Helen Waite.