I met her at the hospital, in the emergency room. Both eyes, and the bridge of her nose, were swollen, an angry, mulberry color. She didn’t show me the rest of her injuries because she was too ashamed. Her husband of 18 months had done this to her, and I knew both of these young people from church. I, too, felt embarrassed, because I never would have dreamed he was abusive.

Some injuries are never treated in hospitals, doctors’ offices or clinics. One report estimates that between one-quarter and one-third of all emergency room calls are domestic violence related. Survivors report that they take care of their wounds alone many times because they have no way to get help, because they don’t have enough money to get medical attention, or to avoid the inevitable questions. Sometimes, the perpetrator of abuse accompanies the victim to the doctor, to ensure her silence.

Mandy was 32, and this was her second marriage. She had a son by her first husband and a cute baby girl by Jerry. The children were with her, here in this cold, impersonal room. Her little boy’s eyes were huge with fear and confusion, worry etched in every line of his face. On his left cheek was a lead-colored bruise, and a number of broad marks covered his legs, clearly visible under his shorts. He kept staring at me in typical 6-year-old curiosity.

“Are you going to take my mommy to jail?” The question was so preposterous that I barely contained my chuckle. I could see by his expression that he was serious.

“No, Matt, your mom isn’t going to jail. She didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But Daddy said,” he started. Puzzlement filled his voice. “Daddy said ....”

It’s common for violent partners to blame the incident on the victim. That way, they avoid taking responsibility for their unacceptable behavior. Often, survivors defend the abusers, as if they, too, think it was their own fault.

Mandy was tending to the 8-month-old baby, changing a diaper. She had fled her house in such a hurry that she didn’t have anything to clean the baby’s bottom, but at least she had her kids. She kept sniffing back her tears, trying to hold herself together, to put up a brave front.

The doctor came in, and I took the baby onto my lap. Matt came over to me and told me how to take care of his sister, taking charge as the doctor examined his mother.

Another common scenario is that child witnesses of violence become so used to it that they remain almost calm in the face of danger. While this is good, it’s also sad to see a 6-year-old able to “handle” such things.

Two hours later, at 1 a.m., I admitted the small family to the shelter. Mandy’s nose was, indeed, broken, but wouldn’t require surgery. The doctor thought her strongest need was for a safe place to stay, especially once he got a look at her medical chart. This was her fifth hospital visit in 12 months, and the first time she ever admitted to anyone that her husband was beating her up.

Doctors look for patterns of injury, signs of wounds in various stages of healing, and multiple visits.
Her green eyes were bloodshot, and she sounded as though she had a bad head cold, from the swelling of facial tissues. She told me about all the times he’d hit her before she sought help. She told me how scared Matt was every time Jerry’s big green Ford pulled into the yard. She told me how she kept the violence hidden from her folks and from his. She said this was absolutely the last time. I didn’t ask why she stayed with him, or why she kept going back.

There’s nothing abnormal about trying to keep your marriage together. There’s nothing illegal about loving someone who’s hurting you. In various ways, we all do it, every day. Parents love their teenagers, despite some difficult times. Some people love their jobs, even if those occupations are dangerous. The question we should be asking, of the perpetrator is why he feels it’s OK to hurt his/her partner. Beating up on your intimate partner is illegal and not normal.

After we filled out the intake paperwork, I found sheets and blankets for Mandy. We got the baby some clean diapers and found a snack for Matt. Mandy and I talked about getting a protective order, and she thanked me for coming to the hospital. At 2:46 a.m., I went home and crawled into bed beside my husband.

Mandy stayed in the shelter for seven weeks. She moved to Texas with her brother and started courses at a junior college in San Antonio. She divorced Jerry and found a new boyfriend.

She makes a good living now and writes me every once in a while. Her children are thriving, and her whole family likes the new beau. Through her hard work and courage, she has a new life. No longer a victim, Mandy is a survivor of domestic violence.

I wish I could tell you that most of the cases we see end that same happy way, but that wouldn’t be true. An abused woman returns to the violent marriage an average of seven times before she leaves for good. A man who’s victimized often leaves a little sooner, but some victims remain in the abuse for the rest of their lives. Nobody knows exact numbers because thousands of cases go unreported. Especially if the victim is a man, it’s likely we won’t ever hear about it.

Sometimes, the violent partner gets effective help, but many abusers see nothing wrong with the way they act. Most people don’t change their behavior unless they see a good reason to do so.

The way a brutal person sees it, it’s the victim’s fault. If he or she would only cooperate, there wouldn’t be any violence. From the victim’s point of view, though, she or he can’t ever get it quite right. Because she’s human, she’s going to disappoint, or forget, or think for herself. Displeasing a violent partner usually begins a new cycle of abuse.

Society gives silent approval to brutal behavior every time we watch movies that glorify it, or watch television that churns it out, or clamor for books that glamorize it. We may give lip service to non-violence, but we pay big money for aggression and viciousness in entertainment. We tolerate movie stars who hit their lovers. We fine multi-million dollar sports stars a couple thousand dollars and let them right back into the game. We watch Jerry Springer and other shows that feed the lust for violence and filth.

Abusers consider their needs and their rights to be more important than those of the people they love. Abusers don’t necessarily want to hurt their partners, but if they have to, in order to get their way, they do so. Making vicious behavior “entertainment” encourages people to think it’s not a serious problem.

Programs like the Thirtieth Judicial District Domestic Violence-Sexual Assault Alliance work because they carry the force and authority of people who have learned what abuse is and what it costs us.
If you’d like to help, call your local domestic violence shelter and ask how you can get involved. If you don’t know the number, call 1.800.799.7233. If you need help, call the nearest police or sheriff department.

Chester works with Swain/Qualla SAFE, an organization that helps victims of domestic violence.

 

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