I will be the first to admit it. I was a spoiled husband. The wife and I have been married a long time, but I have never really done my share of the housework. I try to justify this by saying some of the time I was off on a ship or on temporary duty in some exotic foreign paradise. The truth of the matter is, I was lazy, and she let me get by with it. My major contribution to preparing meals was to try to stay out of her way in the kitchen.

Then came the rude awakening! The wife fell and broke her collar bone, and I suddenly became chief cook and bottle washer, laundress, scullery maid, housekeeper, butler, valet and personal servant. It became immediately apparent that I am neither skilled nor trained in the household engineering arts.
Only through trial and error have I managed to survive and keep the house operating in somewhat normal fashion. In the process, I have learned some great, universal truths about housekeeping. These are so important that every prospective husband should be required to learn these and pass a test before marriage. Such a requirement would not only reduce the number of divorces but probably the number of marriages also.

Universal truth number 1: Beds don’t stay made! For all our industrial ingenuity, no one has yet invented a bed that will make itself. It’s just pure busy work that must be done every day, Sundays and holidays included. If I had my way, we would only use sleeping bags, which can be rolled up and thrown in the corner until needed again. The wife vetoed this idea. There is a corollary to this problem. The people who make sheets do not ever talk to the people who make mattresses. Therefore, nothing fits exactly right.

Universal truth number 2: Dirty dishes breed in the dishwasher! You put just a few things in the dishwasher in the morning, and by evening it is completely full. There is no way two people could use that many dishes. There is also a second part to this little problem. Everything you put in the dishwasher must be taken out when clean and stacked in the cupboard. It’s a simple law of physics. There’s no way to get around it.

Universal truth number 3: Some pairs of socks are totally incompatible, and take every opportunity to separate from their mate. I don’t know where they hide. I do know there must be a vast repository of single socks someplace in my house. The physical laws of put and take also apply to washing clothes. Everything put in the washing machine must eventually be taken out and put into the dryer, and later taken out and put someplace else. You would think we could invent a single machine that automatically wash, dry and fold, all in one operation. It hasn't happened yet.

Universal truth number 4: The layout of grocery stores is totally illogical. Nothing is where it should be. My wife can go to any grocery store in town, buy 32 items and be back in the car in 20 minutes. In that time I am still looking for the sugar substitute, which is nowhere near the sugar, as logic would dictate, but is usually on a different aisle. To compound this problem, there are four major grocery stores in Waynesville. Each one is arranged completely different from the others. My wife has a digital map of all the stores in her head. She knows where everything is in every store. Not only that, after just a cursory glance at the cupboard, she can go to any store and recall exactly what she needs, whether she has a coupon for that item, and what she paid for it last time. Her data retrieval system far exceeds that of the largest supercomputer ever built. I consider myself lucky if I can remember two out of the three items I need.

Universal truth number 5: It is physically impossible to cook as few as three dishes and have them all ready at the same time. There must be some obscure law of physics that dictates this. This seems, on the surface, to be so simple. If one dish requires 20 minutes in the oven, another 10 minutes on the stove, and the third 5 minutes in the microwave, then logic says start the first, 10 minutes later start the second, and 5 minutes later start the third. It doesn’t work! Murphy’s Law will always come into play. Something will go wrong. To date I haven’t started a fire in the kitchen, or even set off the smoke alarm. I also haven’t had a meal ready on time.

I have discovered so many great truths that I began to wonder if I was unique. Does every other husband know all these things? If so, somehow I missed that class. But very discrete questioning has convinced me that there are many others out there who also know nothing about keeping house. I’m certainly glad to know I’m not the only dunce.

All this has lead me to one last universal truth. I have retired from the active work force. The wife hasn’t. Her work goes on 24- 7, holidays included. She has mentioned this startling fact on a few occasions, but I didn’t listen. Now I know.

I had to learn all this the hard way. So I will propose a simple solution. Any man when reaching retirement age will be examined by a panel of wives. If he does not usually do his share of the house work, then for the first 30 days of his retirement, he will be the house husband, and the wife will get to enjoy the leisure life of retirement. I guarantee this will teach any man another universal truth. That is, God Bless them, the wives work hard!

(Al Manning lives in Waynesville and can be reached at amanning@asap-com.com)

 

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