Most of my articles reflect my own subjective views. Now, I’m happy to announce a departure, because I’ve stumbled across a plethora of unique opinions that I could never match. For those of you who aren’t aware, radio talk shows are a wonderful forum for exploring the far reaches of the human mind.

Having had the occasion to drive many miles in recent months, I’ve been riveted to talk shows discussing the atrocities of Sept. 11 and the creative remedies of our fellow Americans.

Of course, we all know that airlines are beefing up security, screening better, deploying sky marshals, barricading the cockpit door and more. Here are a few new ideas that have been voiced across America’s airways:

Why not have a system whereby the pilot, once aware of a hijacking in progress, simply pushes a button that releases a sleeping gas into the entire cabin? Voila, everyone goes to sleep, including the hijackers, who are then disarmed, tied and secured until landing.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Another caller’s suggestion was, once a hijacking has begun, let pilots decompress the cabin, release all the oxygen, and then drop the oxygen masks for all passengers to breathe with. Hmmm. Now, that’s a thought.

One listener suggested that the pilot should flip the flaps and fly the plane upside down. That would certainly put a shoo-fly into the hijacker’s ointment.

Here’s one that ruffled some feathers. Security should target every male traveler between the ages of 12 and 60 who holds a passport from any one of the Arab/Muslim nations for extra special screening before being allowed on a commercial airliner. Yes, that might fall under the dreaded category of “racial profiling,” but when it comes to protecting American lives, who cares?

And what about the war? According to many callers, the first thing we ought to do is cancel all student visas for anyone from countries who deploy or harbor terrorists, ship them from the country they claim to hate so much back to their beloved land, then compensate the universities for lost revenues. Here’s one “Aye” vote.

I had reservations about one who recommended an immigration lock-down, temporarily keeping all travelers (except American citizens) from coming in and keeping all visa holders from leaving until each and everyone is completely investigated. That might be a little unrealistic.

Some callers were brazen. “Nuke ‘em,” they said. Well ... deliberately killing innocent civilians is the thing we abhor the most. No one wants to hear about killing kids. Then again, each and every male Taliban child over the age of two is already being indoctrinated by radicals, groomed and brainwashed to hate America, destined to be the next wave of terrorists in the coming decade. By the time they are seven and eight, they are firmly programmed, their minds irreversibly set, taught to believe there is a better place beyond death called Paradise, providing they die fighting for Allah. This breed is multiplying by the millions, and it’s a lose-lose situation.

How about this? While New York City removes and accumulates the 500 million tons of rubble from the World Trade Center, why not fly all that steel and concrete and drop it over the center cities in Iraq and Afghanistan? It would certainly give meat to the old adage, “what goes around, comes around.”

Bin Laden? I listened to a wide array of thoughts on how to deal with this madman, from assassination, capture and trial, torture, exile and shipping him off into space for a one-way journey to Mars. But here’s one that tops the chart, offered by another avid talk show listener:

When all is said and done, simply capture Osama bin Laden, (and his top aides), strap him to a gurney and perform a castration. Then, have surgeons construct female genitalia and inject hormones that will turn him into a woman, losing facial and body hair, and growing breasts. Then, return him back to the Taliban, if they are still alive and wielding power anywhere — veiled in a dreaded Burka for the rest of his life, doomed behind painted windows, without a voice, without rights, a virtual slave to men, stoned for even thinking about knowledge, and then shot in a crowded soccer stadium for expressing a thought.

His new name: Usa Mae Bin Ladenette

Hey, don’t look at me. It wasn’t my idea.

Stay tuned. There’s a lot more out there.

(Marshall Frank is a former Miami-Dade police officer and who lives in Maggie Valley. His second book, Dire Straits, is available in area bookstores.)

 

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